Let's get straight to the point: how did you manage to pick up a penguin in Uruguay?
I’d been staying in Punta del Este for a few days, just unwinding and chilling at the end of a holiday, and the day before I was going to go back to Argentina I was walking on the beach and encountered lots of dead penguins covered in oil and tar. Rather than turning round and walking away, I walked on just to get some idea of how many were dead. And while doing that I noticed one of them move.
My first inclination was to go and polish it off, because all the others were dead. But I wasn’t quite certain how I was going to do it, and as I approached this bird it stood up and made it quite clear that it wasn’t just going to sit there while I wrung its neck.
I thought, well, perhaps I ought to clean it, and perhaps it would survive if I did.
So once you rescued him from the beach, what happened?
And after rubbing him with butter and olive oil and various things – soap detergent, shampoo – I had really quite a recognizable penguin. And I thought, all I have to do is let him go now – take him to the sea. So I took him back down to the sea and tried to encourage him to go.
I thought if I put him out on the rocks, as the waves come in he’ll disappear and just swim off and it’ll be fine. So I put him out on the rocks, went back to watch, and the wave came in and he disappeared. But while I was saying goodbye and good luck little bird, out he came again and came straight back to me! So I tried again and again and he wouldn’t go, he kept coming back. What was I going to do?
Eventually I decided if I abandoned him there, if I just left him and walked off the beach and went back, he wouldn’t be able to climb up the wall. So I walked off and I left him. And then he came running up the beach after me, like some small child! No, it wasn’t like a small child at all, it was quite different from that – it was just like a penguin.
So you took him back to your holiday apartment and eventually made it across the border to Argentina. How did that go?
Knowing the Argentines reasonably well having spent 6 months there, I decided that if I called him an Argentine penguin, every officer would immediately say “Ah, well of course you must bring him back." And so this was my plan.
And of course the ruddy bird squawked while we were going through customs, so the officer yanked me into a small interview room. I thought I was going for the high jump, but it became fairly clear fairly quickly that actually he was only after a bribe.
If I’d given him a bribe in the first place – if I hadn’t been so young and so foolish – it could’ve been so much easier. But of course I was English and I thought, how dare you ask for a bribe. I’m not giving you a bribe to bring a penguin through. I called his bluff and said: "Well I’m not going to pay a bribe, you can look after him." And I made to go.