If you’re going to see a football match in Portugal, or watching one on TV, you need to know the basics if you want to join in. Arriving after kick-off, ask resultado? (what’s the score?) and settle down in time to watch the guarda-redes (goalkeeper) make a complete frango (cock-up) of a save. The meio-campo (midfield) looks decidedly dodgy and your ponte de lance (centre forward) keeps getting caught fora-de-jogo (offside) – that’s when he’s not being clattered from behind. That’s a falta! (foul!) and a grande penalidade! (penalty!), surely? If he scores, the TV commentators will invariably celebrate Brazilian-style – golo! (try goooooaaaaalllll!) – before referring to the festa nas bancadas (party on the terraces) that’s now underway. If, on the other hand, you’re losing, heaven forbid your team resorts to punting it aimlessly up the field, route-one style – sad to say, the long-ball game is known disparagingly as o jogo Inglês (the English game).